DISCLAIMER: This post is not a revenge plot or a venting session. I am sharing my story because someone could see it and recognize the toxicity in their own relationship, and know that there is a way out of the slavery of a toxic relationship. This is for the purpose of healing, not shaming. 

“But I said to you, ‘Don’t be shocked or afraid of them! The Lord your God is going ahead of you. He will fight for you, just as you saw him do in Egypt. And you saw how the Lord your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father cares for his child. Now he has brought you to this place.’

- Deuteronomy 1:29-31 NLT

I'm a little past the end of a long journey. A journey that began the day I decided to leave my husband after 8 months of living together as man and wife. We'd been officially married for longer than that, but we lived together for 8 of the most tumultuous months of my life. Now, I knew marriage would be work. I knew it would take all the patience, effort, and commitment in me to sustain, and most importantly all the prayer and submission to God to make it successful. I was committed to that.  As someone who I grew up with, I expected his and my friendship to be carried into our relationship, and then into marriage- but I was naive. I didn't date much in my 20s, so when I began dating a friend, I thought things were good. Four years later, we were living as man and wife. It was not a hasty or rushed decision. It was years in the building, albeit long-distance for three of those years. I thought we had a solid foundation in God. Growing up in the church with someone, you assume that you're going to be on the same spiritual level, or have the same desires for your spiritual life. This was not the case. The distance covered many behaviors that were dismissed as "social habit," but even without the distance,  I saw what I wanted to see.

As a habit, I try to see the best in people, and explained his character flaws away as "everyone has flaws." True, everyone does have flaws (including, and especially me), but that's no excuse for bad behavior. I rationalized away obvious character flaws as "simple human imperfection" and assumed that he was actively working to fix his flaws, as I actively worked to fix my own. But I never thought that what I perceived to be character flaws, he simply accepted as a part of himself he didn't think necessitated change. For instance, I never thought the explosive anger and aggression he showed others would be directed towards me. Honestly, my parents didn't really fight, and when they did, I never saw my father being aggressive, only angry, so I wasn't used to seeing a man antagonize a woman. I assumed (falsely) that the arguments he and I had (which ended with him silently brooding, and not openly hostile) would continue as they'd been in all the years we'd been together. But it was as if a switch had gone off. Three days into living together as man and wife, my nightmare began.

I know I'm smart. I've always been a nerd. I know I'm weird (the good weird), and I know I'm a great cook and baker, singer and an awesome friend. Because I make every effort to be these things. I thought I'd be great at  being a wife. Instead, I was called "lazy"  and "stupid" COUNTLESS times and constantly accused of cheating and knowing "all about dick." Now, I didn't bust my behind to stay in school (despite being sick ALL THE FREAKING TIME) to be called lazy. I didn't spend those hours cooking and cleaning to be called lazy. I didn't do enough of his homework for him while he was getting his degree to be called stupid. I did the grocery shopping by bus for the first month or so, because we had no car. I carried heavy bags home BY MYSELF to cook meals and be called lazy and stupid by an ungrateful person. I was constantly  accused of cheating and being loose, indiscriminate, and generally "ho"-like. This wasn't a sporadic occurrence, either. It was ALL the time. I was told I couldn't have friends over. Told I wasn't allowed to give "church hugs" to any male I wasn't closely related to (including but especially not limited to my longtime friends.) I was told I was to delete male friends from social media, and when I did not comply, or put up a fight, was accused of sleeping with whomever I was defending. I was told that since I wasn't working I had to "earn my keep," on days where my pain level was so bad I could barely drag myself to the bathroom. And if you know anything about Sickle Cell Anemia, stress triggers it, so I was having constant pain episodes while still trying to be a good wife. I was given the option of being treated like a "partner, or treated like [a] wife"- the latter meaning I was not equally weighted in the marriage.

The worst (and probably most damaging) part was the constant demand to feed his sexual desires, while he broke my spirit. Degrading me, and then expecting me to satiate his sexual needs triggered memories of my sexual assault that occurred when I was 19. Yes- he was fully aware of this part of my past, but his desires mattered more than my trauma. I became afraid of the person who'd vowed to protect me. His outbursts were random, often due to a stressful day at work, jealousy, or a drunken/high state.  It got so bad that eventually, I couldn't sleep through the night next to him. After he fell asleep, I'd creep into the kitchen, wash dishes, make casseroles for dinner for the next 2 days, listen to music, bake, write, and basically be a person. I'd wait until about 5am, and then I'd creep back into bed, falling asleep after daylight broke or he'd gone to work. Even then, when I'd hear a noise, I'd jump up, like a child does when their mom comes home to them watching TV when they should've been doing homework. He didn't have to hit me, though every argument he'd ball up his fists anyway, and try to make his large frame even bigger to intimidate me. He'd break things, throw things, (and I'm ashamed to admit, I'd throw things too). Soon, I began to match his behavior. Though I'd start off silently praying and counting back from 100 to try to stay calm, at the end of each argument I'd often end up screaming and swearing at him. Instead of my prayers working to calm him down, I was becoming more and more like him- angry, volatile, insecure, and depressed (I assume).

It's amazing to me who many people don't think verbal abuse is a "thing." People automatically dismiss it and then think you're weak for falling prey to it.The whole "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words could never hurt me" is a lie. A bold one, at that. Maybe some people devalue words, and to them, it doesn't really have an effect, but that's probably because that isn't how they give or receive love. To explain, I use the concept of the "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (an AWESOME book/series- go read it!!) The two ways I show (and receive) love the most are Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. They are tied for first place. My Quality Time love means that the more I make time for you, spend time with you, or sacrifice time for you, the more I love you (or the closer the bond we'll have). It also means that even if I don't get to spend much time with you, I value it even more, especially when you make time for me. Words of Affirmation as a love language means I use my words to encourage, heal, love, and speak life into those I care about. I try to be super careful in the way I speak to others because words mean a LOT to me. That's what also makes me so susceptible to negative words, harsh (nonconstructive) criticism, and verbal abuse. When the ones I love use their words as weapons to attack me, tell me I'm nothing, and break me down, it is worse than actually physically beating me. I feel violated in places that fists and feet cannot reach. It is also why living with someone who did this on a daily basis caused me to spiral into deep depression.

Funny thing, I after we'd separated, I'd asked him why he treated me so badly. His response was that he knew he was being "negative" but was trying to "motivate me" into being a better person. He'd decided that I was flawed and I needed to be fixed. So he took it upon himself to fix me, to turn me into what he thought a wife should be. The hardest thing was hearing him admit that he was purposefully that way, thinking that it would bring about positive change in what he thought of as my character flaws: I cooked every 1-2 days (and not every day), so I was lazy. I was unemployed, so I was an undesirable job candidate.  I was sick, therefore I was a burden. He projected his insecurities onto me, and then set out to rid me of what turned out to be his own self-perceptions. I assume he felt the weight of having a sick, unemployed wife, and working while being in school (though I did a significant part of his homework for him.) Every poor decision he made became an added weight to the burden of his life. But rather than communicate, and help make the situation better, he decided to break me down instead.

I understood the struggle. I was always used to being productive- enrolling in a vigorous Masters' program and working part-time. I had always heard that the first year of marriage was difficult- two people trying to integrate their independent selves in order to make decisions would never be easy, but I was trying to be patient anyway. Having just moved 8 hours away from my family, finishing my graduate program only two months before the wedding, and being in wedding mode after, I hadn't secured a job yet. It was taking longer than we'd anticipated, but we were doing okay (as far as I knew). And I knew God would provide for our needs, so I didn't stress out. But he was stressed, overwhelmed, and would shut me out if I tried to encourage him in the faith. He was more concerned with the perceptions that others had of himself, and why he wasn't where he thought he should be in life (at least financially).

He nitpicked about every public move I made. Who saw me carrying groceries off the bus? We then had to switch to ordering groceries online because God forbid people realize that we don't have a car. Who of his high school friends just got the job he'd always wanted? I got blamed for not supporting a decision to take a job that would literally break Bible Commandments and was told that I was the reason we were financially not doing as well. I was criticized about every public aspect of my life: what I wore to church or when I walked around his school campus, who commented on my social media posts (or my social media presence in general), who I spoke to and associated myself with. He had a big shot reputation, so I dare not do anything to make him "look bad." Even my private life was scrutinized, and, as always, I constantly came up short.

The toxicity ran deep in our relationship. Our arguments were loud, full of swearing, possibly thrown or broken objects, and physical intimidation. They arose out of nowhere. I was accused of being "ungrateful" for not saying "Thank you" fast enough when he brought me lunch. (I opened the takeout box before I said thank you. Seriously, I said it two seconds after he handed me the box.) I was sick, in bed, and hadn't gotten around to cleaning the living room he'd trashed since I'd cleaned it the day before. Another argument. I bought the "wrong groceries" and he couldn't believe I "didn't know how to grocery shop right." I picked the wrong seats at church. I stated a fact, someone else agreed, but he disagreed so when I didn't recant my original statement, I was being insubordinate. Another argument. They occurred constantly. But I deal with my anger differently. It usually takes me a while to process my feelings when I'm upset and is best done while I'm left in solitude, so I don't end up lashing out and saying things I'll regret. In the beginning, I would still try to apologize and make peace, because I hated the tension. Towards the end, not so much.

It's one of the hardest things for me to do- muting my mind to apologize when I feel antagonized and attacked, but I do it if I know I've messed up. I make a concerted effort to make amends quickly, especially when I know I'm wrong, but it's difficult if it's not coming from a sincere place. And I knew more often than not, I had done him no wrong. He would fly into a rage for almost anything, and it became extremely difficult to force myself to apologize to him for something I didn't even understand. Or for something he'd berated me for doing "incorrectly." But he didn't just want an apology. He wanted me to turn on the baby voice,  whisper sweet nothings in his ear, tell him how much I needed him, and beg him to forgive me. To stroke his ego while I debased myself and apologized for his angry outbursts, jealous rages, and general overreactions. It felt like a violation in itself- to apologize to him for making him verbally abuse me. Most of our arguments would never get officially resolved. He'd storm out and go into another room and spend hours there. I didn't mind much since it gave me time to process and relax away from the tension. I wouldn't want to be near him at all. But eventually, he'd return, happy and ready to get intimate, still unapologetic: and I'd better be immediately receptive or I'd be reprimanded for holding a grudge- even though I still hadn't received an apology for his overreaction/antagonizing approach. And no, there was no option to now discuss what had happened now that cooler heads were prevailing. I had to answer to the call of his urges before I'd get anything. So often, I'd end up swallowing my feelings, giving into his desires because he'd found a way to make me into a horrible stereotypical wife who refused her husband's physical needs. I'd be emotionally wounded, but he didn't care, because he got his way, and that was all that mattered.

After 8 months of feeling inadequate, broken, afraid, and unloved, I seriously contemplated ending my life. We'd had (another) huge argument before he'd gone to work, and he'd gotten in my face (again) and threatened to physically harm me. And made an attempt at demonstrating it by "headbutt." He didn't use much force (most likely just trying to intimidate me), but I saw that this had escalated too far. I didn't need to be punched, kicked, or choked to see that this was where it was headed. So I thought, "If I swallow this fistful of Tylenol, would it be so bad?" Thankfully, God had me covered and had me call a wise cousin of mine, who prayed with me. My next act was to call my mother, and tell her, "I'm coming home." This was a Tuesday. Over the next few days, I cleaned and packed what I could, and donated or threw away what I didn't need. And I left the following Sunday. It was God that did it, because  I know he wasn't trying to let me leave at all. But whatever God did must have been something, because he stood and watched me get on that bus home.

It's been over two years since that Sunday. I have since gotten the rest of my things from that apartment, sat down with his family and mine (traumatic in itself), filed for divorce, and gotten my life back.  I've been mislabeled and slandered. I've been lied about countless times (because I'm the abusive one LOL). I've been told that my health problems are "baggage" and I should be more understanding and accepting of his flaws because I'm no prize. I've been told that no one else will want me, but women will be flocking to snatch him up. That I can't do better than him. I've been blamed for his avoidance of church (which is funny because we went rather infrequently while we were living together). And with the exception of my circle of trust, I haven't disclosed anything (at least until now.) I deal with it all, because I know that God knows the truth, and no amount of revenge I plan will make up for the time I wasted, the pain I felt, or the trauma I experienced. I know that I'm not an innocent lamb and that I acted in ways to provoke him at times. I've reacted badly, overreacted, escalated bad situations, and have said many hurtful and damaging things too. I haven't always acted like the child of God I'm supposed to be. I'm not innocent, in the least. But I know I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I was right to leave.No matter what anyone says or thinks about me, I don't care. Because I'm alive. I'm still here, and that's what matters most to me.

I have done the work. I've gone to therapy, discovering that had I trusted my gut, and been less "private" I would've known that I was in a toxic relationship, and it wouldn't have reached the marital stage. I saw signs that my naiveté dismissed as "human," and had I asked a friend for advice, I'd have been told to "run like hell." But as a young Haitian woman, I was constantly being told to never discuss my relationship issues with others, because they'd hold on to the problems long after I'd reached a solution, and could put a strain on the relationship. So I stayed silent. After he'd screamed at me "Don't you ever disagree with me again!" as we were entering the church. After he'd left me home alone to go get meds when I was running a fever and didn't come back for almost 2 full days. After he'd tried to convince me that I didn't need to go to the hospital, and when I found someone to take me, refused to come to the ER for hours. After he'd accused me of sleeping with my friends, with his friends, hell- with everybody. After calling me ungrateful, lazy, stupid, selfish all the while I was exhausting myself trying to live up to his standards of being a wife.

Truth is, he wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He knew full well who I was, as we'd dated for years. But he still thought I'd be a doormat. And for a while, I compromised myself to fit his perception of me. I became so depressed and sick that I stopped singing- a huge part of my life. There were days I couldn't get out of bed, days I wondered why I was still alive, and days I wished it would all end. It took God's intervention to get me out of that marriage, to get me back home, and to get me to where I am now. I can't tell you exactly how He did it. Lots of prayer, therapy, prayer, prayer, tears, prayer, and did I mention prayer? In the time I've been home, I've experienced major losses of loved ones, much frustration, and many setbacks, but I've also experienced God's unfailing love. God's persistent affection for me. His patience and overwhelmingly enduring grace. His comfort on days when all I could do was cry in misery, feeling like I'd failed. On the days I was financially (and emotionally) overdrawn, distraught, grieving loss, defaulting on my credit card, and wondering if it was all worth it to leave, God reminded me that Israel had to wander through the wilderness in order to reach Canaan after they were delivered from Egypt. Their downfall was that they romanticized the hell they'd gone through after they'd been delivered because the new stage they were in was hard.

Soon the people began to complain about their hardship, and the Lord heard everything they said... Then the foreign rabble who were traveling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt. And the people of Israel also began to complain. “Oh, for some meat!” they exclaimed. “We remember the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic we wanted."

 - Numbers 11: 1, 4,5 NLT

Sure, my husband and I had some good times. We had some really great times, actually. But slavery, with some great times, is still slavery. So I told God I'd trust Him, I'd stop complaining and asking, "Why me?" and I'd just follow His lead. I've never been happier.

It takes intention and bravery to change a situation. Many of us are stuck in horrible situations but choose not to leave them for fear of embarrassment, humiliation, failure. No one should be left feeling like their life is empty and meaningless, especially not due to money or a relationship. We allow ourselves to become slaves to money and stay in bad jobs because we fear we cannot do better, rationalizing that we have to be "responsible" and pay bills. We are not being responsible to ourselves, however, and end up paying for it with our health, our sanity, our energy. Stress causes more sickness than just about anything else. It lowers our immune system's effectiveness and allows for predatory bacteria to take root and multiply. It causes our bodies to work slower and less efficiently. It is a killer to stay in a negative situation- whether it is explicitly or implicitly negative. More can be said about a toxic/abusive relationship. It wears on the soul. Someone who you choose to be vulnerable with can use your deepest secrets and fears against you. They can maliciously manipulate you into thinking you're crazy, you're at fault. They can prey on your good intentions and wreck your life. And your health and sanity pay the price. And this is before the fists start flying. Abuse comes in many forms: physical, emotional, mental, sexual, verbal, financial. It (in any of its forms) can cause anxiety, depression, addiction, and many other diseases. It can ruin your ability to cope with negativity, ruin your (current and future) relationships and your perspective- permanently. It plants bitterness, distrust, and creates a new cycle of abuse. You can easily lose sight of yourself in toxic and abusive relationships of any kind, so it is important to leave it behind, and then set up strict boundaries while you do the work of restoration. You must be willing to risk it all to save yourself from situations that can actually kill you.

Don't think that resolving your toxicity means you sit back once you're free. You must now separate fact from abusive fiction. Separate the ugly truth from wicked lies. And separate the negative behaviors you've learned as a result of it. You must take accountability for your action (or inaction), FORGIVE YOURSELF, and then move forward with the resolve to fix your own life. For me, therapy (and Jesus) helped. I would recommend a licensed professional, even while you depend on prayer warriors to support you spiritually. You'll need ALL the help you can get to make it through to a better (healthy/happy) you. You will have days when you are scared and sad. Days when you are angry. Days when you regret leaving.Days when you remember the abuse so vividly, it feels like it's happening all over again. Days where you struggle to forget what was said to you, and struggle to not believe the lies and hate projected onto you. There will be days when you feel all of those things. Days that the feelings last for (what feels like) weeks, and days that they resolve in minutes. But you MUST press forward. You cannot let your abuser win. You cannot let them tell you that you have no worth or purpose without them. You cannot let them dictate your future. You did not leave Egypt to run back in there because its "too hard" to survive life outside that situation. The Israelites refusal to move forward caused them to wander for 40 years in the desert. You should not spend the rest of your life trying to heal from trauma. Don't get me wrong- you are working on healing, and the scars will stay forever, but no one should be walking through life with open wounds, unable to heal, prone to infection, bleeding afresh with each new trigger. The beauty in healing is that you are no longer being victimized by your abuse, but now are living, thriving, despite it. That's what Canaan land is about. Moving past all the trauma so you can reclaim your life.

It's taken almost two years to rediscover who I lost to that toxic relationship. To rediscover that I am amazing. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am intelligent. I am sexy. I am selfless. I am a survivor. Since my divorce became finalized, I have permanently removed a potent toxin from my life. I still bear the scars, and the lessons I've learned. And I celebrate the fact that most days I'm okay. Most days I don't cry. Most days I don't recall the ugly words he said to me and wonder if he was right. Most days I am happy, smiling, thriving. And the days I'm not, I have an amazing support system to remind me that I'm all those things. And I haven't given up on love. Or marriage. Because those things come from God. And I know there's someone who will love me the way I need and deserve to be loved, because he loves God. And he'll accept the love I give him, and the effort I pour into the relationship, because he knows our love is founded on the Most High.  I can't wait to see this materialize in real life. He's gonna be awesome! But most importantly, my connection to God has shown me that with Him I can endure anything. I made it out! Many women never do. I risked ridicule, public humiliation, and rejection to stand in my truth. And it was worth it. I'm free.

"And whom the Son sets free, is free indeed."

-John 8:36 NLT

Update (7/2024): I have not looked at this in years. My ex-husband, now passed away since 2021, and I were able to find peace and forgiveness together the year before he passed. It is hard to look at the one you loved and pledged, “till death do us part” and see that life parted you, before their untimely death. All this to say, remember that no time is promised, and we do not know when our time will come. Choose forgiveness- a necessary part of your healing process. You don’t know how much time you’ll get with the ones God has lent you on this plane.